Xenogears Tarot Part One: The Hanged Man
by Saint Louise
Summary: The Hanged Man- Kahran Ramsus. The main lesson of the Hanged Man is that we "control" by letting go - we "win" by surrendering. It symbolizes the action of paradox in our lives.


The Hanged Man

Kahran Ramsus

_Letting go – Sacrifice – Reversal – Suspending action_

_The main lesson of the Hanged Man is that we "control" by letting go - we "win" by surrendering. It symbolizes the action of paradox in our lives. A paradox is something that appears contradictory, and yet is true. It presents to us certain truths, but they are hidden in their opposites._

Ramsus was feeling stronger these days, mentally and physically. He'd had his soul chewed up for night after night, thinking of all the terrible things he'd done to prove to Krelian and Miang once and for all that he wasn't just 'trash'. But…in the end he'd lost anyway, hadn't he? He'd lost everything, even the woman he had loved. _Worshipped_, really. He would never forget the feeling of putting his sword through Miang's body, or the look on her face as she lay dying. Nor would he forget her last words to him; _"Now all my wishes have come true, thanks to you!"_

He had let Hyuga and Sigurd lead him to the Yggdrasil, dazed from his injuries and barely aware of passing time at all. Truth be told, he would have been happy to wallow in his pain and sadness and self-pity forever, and doubtless would have done had Hyuga not insisted on snapping him out of it. When he had looked at his Elements, at Dominia; Kelvena; Seraphita and Tolone, and seen their concern for his welfare, he _had_ snapped out of his misery somewhat, but even they hadn't been enough to genuinely cheer him up. Dominia had watched over him ever since; she who loved him and despised Miang. But he had still lost, hadn't he? Even after everything, he had still lost.

"That's not true, Commander…" Dominia. Ramsus hadn't even been aware he had spoken aloud, let alone noticed her presence.

"Isn't it?" Ramsus couldn't help the wave of melancholy that swept over him.

"Don't they say that you have to lose everything before you're free to do anything?" Dominia replied, studying him. "At least, that's what I believe. I had to lose everything before I became an Element, after all…"

"Everything I believed in has been lost, Dominia," he said, closing his eyes. "You can't win by surrender."

"But you can," Dominia insisted, her eyes shining with determination. "Life is all a paradox, Kahr."

That was the first time she had ever called him anything other than 'Commander'. "Stop being cryptic, Dominia, I haven't the patience for it." he said wearily, eyes still closed.

"The truth is sometimes hidden." she said, simply. "You're still here, aren't you?"

"Barely."

"So you haven't given up," she pressed. "You ended your struggle, but you haven't given up."

Ramsus sighed, opening his eyes to look at her. "Yet."

"Stop being so pessimistic!" she was angry, all of a sudden. He noted the fire in her eyes, and how attractive it made her. "Commander, you're still alive! Countless people have lost their lives, but you're still here! Why can you not realise what's happening?"

He was silent a moment, aware of her burgeoning exasperation. "Suppose that you're right, and I haven't lost. Then what? My oldest allies now are my old enemies."

Dominia looked hurt. "You've still got us…" she said quietly."We'll always stand by you. Even though you think you've lost everything, haven't you gained a lot more?"

"I don't understand," Ramsus admitted after another pause. "I've…made gains?"

"You don't have to fight any more, Kahran," Dominia replied softly. "There is no one wishing you harm, or manipulating you. Nobody thinks you're trash, or a reject, or worthless. You're safe now."

Ramsus' silence lasted a lot longer this time, while he mulled Dominia's speech over in his head. She was right, of course…he could see that. And of course it was true that Fei and the others bore no hatred for him any more; Fei had even said that if he wished their rivalry to continue, it would only be as sport. He was aware of Dominia's gaze on him all the while he was thinking, and it became obvious to him for perhaps the first time that the woman honestly cared deeply for him. Ramsus had never had anyone who truly cared for him, now he thought about it. It was kind of a nice feeling, knowing he could count on her, but hadn't he thought he could count on Miang? And look how that had turned out…

"Commander?" Dominia's voice broke into his thoughts again. "Are you okay?"

"Huh? Oh, I'm fine," he said, feeling slightly dazed. "I was just thinking about what you said."

Dominia smiled wryly. "And do you believe it?"

Ramsus' honesty surprised even him. "Yes…I think I do. Thank you, Dominia."

"Let go of the past, Commander," she urged. "What's done is done, isn't it? You can't bring her back, for better or worse."

Ramsus smiled then, something he hadn't done for what felt like a very long time. Even in death, Miang was hated. He knew what she really was and what she had really been doing, yet he himself couldn't hate her. She was still wrapped around his soul like creeping ivy; even though she had no influence over his mind any more, he suspected that she would always be part of him. He was smiling now at being Miang's killer and in spite of that unable to hate her, and what a paradox that was. _Life is all a paradox_, Dominia had told him earlier. He knew then for certain that she was right about everything, and for the first time in his life he had total control over himself and his emotions. What he felt now was real, he wasn't thinking through the screens put around him by Krelian and Miang for their own purposes. His smile became broader and more genuine, and for the first time since the awful truth about his existence was brought to light, Kahran Ramsus began to feel that perhaps everything would be okay after all…even for trash like him.


End file.
